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Learning To Dance In Survival Mode – Part Two – Recognition and Roots

So, when you know that you are in survival mode – what the hell do you do now?

If you are just joining in on the journey, check out the backstory post here.

In the backstory, I shared how I ended up in survival mode, not once, but twice. I hope that some of the patterns and stories in there will help others understand what it means to be in survival mode and to help us recognize when we are in it.  The costs to our mental health are common, but often go unrecognized for long periods of time.

It’s all well-and-good to recognize that we are in survival mode, and as significant as that step is – there is a lot of work to be done to get back to a feeling of wellness. First though, take a moment to applaud yourself or your loved one for having taken the time required to realize that they are here.

Knowing is half the battle they say. Many people never make it to this point. So pour a glass of water, brew your favourite tea – and appreciate that you’ve taken the first, and most, necessary step.

Lets set some expectations.

via GIPHY

From my experience, you’ll spend as much time getting back up out of survival mode, as you have spent being knocked down into it. There is a time scale at play here. For example, if you’ve been struggling for the last year, plan for six months to a year to feel like you are back on your feet and thriving. It’s not by any means that it isn’t possible that you’ll get back up quicker, but more often than not, it takes a good deal of time.

If you are some unicorn-like figure that has caught this modality one month in – then yay! – You’re a unicorn, and you’ll have a shorter trip back out. It’s a rarity, so you should unquestionably take a moment to celebrate.

Regaining a sense of well being takes time.

You’ve developed habits along the way that are no longer going to serve you. You are going to have to reset your frame of mind. No matter what anyone tells you – this is not going to happen overnight. It takes patience, practice, and gentleness.

If you can accept that it will take time at the beginning of the journey, your likelihood of success, in the end, is going to go up dramatically. The longer you’ve been working on cementing a habit, the longer it is going to take to overwrite what is there.

Now, this isn’t to say, if there is something that you’ve been doing for 25+ years that it will take you another quarter century to overcome it. I’d wager you are still looking at around a year to have your new habits and modes built with strong foundations.

Ok – enough with the downer realism, yeah?

You’ll need to acknowledge how imperfect the journey is. Your mental health will thank you.

Ok, I fibbed a little. We are not entirely done setting expectations here. Look, life isn’t all sunshine and roses…but you know that already.

It’s been a long-held frustration for me that articles, people, and resources will hit on a few things that you can do to improve your mental health, to get out of survival mode – but they completely gloss over the fact that it is going to take ongoing work. You won’t read one listicle and cease to suffer. Shame on them for suggesting that it works that way. 

You are not going to read this and then magically feel better. I’m tired of people and articles and self-helpery perpetuating this bullshit notion that there are magic cures.

I’m sorry folks, there isn’t. Things can definitely get better – and if you work on it, they will. They key though….you have to work on it. 

Things can get better.

You will have good days and bad days. Good hours and bad hours. This is completely OK. One should expect it isn’t going to be a straight line out – it wasn’t a straight line into it. If you look at the bad days with the right perspective, they’ll even make the good days that much better! The contrast is a large part of what makes the journey meaningful.

My intention is just to help you feel equipped to start– for now. To understand, realistically, what the journey ahead is going to look like.  How does the saying go…”If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

Recognize, reset, reframe.

via GIPHY

If you spent a month combing the internet for the path out of survival mode, you’d see a million variations of the same few concepts. (I’ve looked). Since my first journey over a decade ago, I’ve been amassing information, tools, books, and first-hand hand experience using every one of them.

It’s the details around the tools you would use that change from one approach to the other – but the core concepts stay the same. They also have a logical order, one building off the other.

1. Recognize.

Recognizing that both my positive & negative emotions may be dangerous if they are not controlled and guided to desirable ends, I will submit all my desires, aims and purposes to my faculties of reason, and I will be guided by it in giving expression to these.

Bruce Lee – via Brain Pickings

It’s a hard step at first. Recognize means to practice and cultivate an awareness of how you are feeling. If you genuinely want to be able to change the state you are in, first, you need to become fully aware of how your state is impacting you. How the inputs in your life affect that state as well. Honing your observational skills can take some time and concentrated effort.

Take a minute – stop reading – and think about ways you could cultivate an awareness. I’ll be here when you get back.

Chances are, whatever came to your mind, those are things that are most likely to work for you. Right now, at least.

Journaling and meditation are two of my favourite tools for sharpening this skill. Yup, they are referenced a lot in material like “How to have the best day ever.” Those absurdly lofty goals I have a hard time with. Improvement doesn’t have to sound like perfection folks.  – But these claims are created with good reason, even if the positioning is taking away from their effectiveness.

Julia Cameron popularized the concept of morning pages, where you set a timer or a length target and begin writing. You let your mind flow, the only goal is to keep the pen moving. It’s a stream of consciousness writing exercise that can be quite revealing.  In my love dialogue exercise – I used a variation of it and ended up learning quite a bit about my thought processes around love and how my mind approaches it.

Meditation is a gentle means of practicing and strengthening your observational skills. For many, it’s uncomfortable at first. For most, we expect sitting there with an empty, silent mind. A quiet mind is neither the goal nor the reality. It’s about learning to step into a position that allows you to examine your thoughts openly. We become the observer. As we learn to step back from our thoughts, we begin seeing and understanding our patterns. If you want to read more about my thoughts on mindfulness, you can read about it here.

There are other options too if you are finding yourself recoiling from the idea of journaling an meditation, I’ll provide a list in the next post. But after much trial and error, these are the two that have by far worked the best for me.

2. Reset.

Reset is tricky. There is a mental hurdle we must overcome first – and I’ve observed many people fall off here. Resetting first requires an understanding that we’ve chosen our perspectives. Many folks find this offensive at first.

“I feel how I feel, I’m not choosing to be miserable.” “I don’t choose my emotions.”

Except…yeah. You are choosing. Yes, you do pick them.

I say this, with a firm understanding that each time I’ve entered survival mode, or significant depression, or extended periods of being generally miserable – that yes, when we peel back the layers – I was, in fact, choosing to be that way. I hinted at this in the first post in the series.

It sucks to hear because it also implies that there is no one to blame but ourselves. From our prerogatives, it can’t be our fault. It was all that shit that happened to us. Further, if we are responsible for being here, that also means it’s on us to get out.

But it’s not the things that happen to us, friends – it’s the meaning we assign to them. The perspective through which we choose to look at it. No, it isn’t easy (especially at first) to accept this, let alone do anything about it. But this is precisely why this work is so damned important.

When we allow ourselves to take the responsibility and power that comes with being the authors of our meanings, there is nothing more completely liberating. It’s an ongoing responsibility.

When you own your perspective, you can change it. Nothing is good or bad; it is your perspective of it that is good or bad.

You are in control of your perspective.

Here’s a thought about perspective:

Picture this familiar scenario:

1.
You are driving down the highway, and the driver next to you swerves into your lane nearly causing an accident. You honk, yell, and become angry.

Now, often when we react this way, there is some combination of assumptions happening. “That asshole isn’t paying attention.” “Look at what they did to me.” “Is this person drunk? I can’t believe they are putting other people at risk like this.” “That prick is going to hurt someone, just cutting me off on the highway like they own the goddam road.”

You remain angry for a while, perhaps tailgating them, and likely fuming about this moment for the rest of your journey. Red-faced and blood pressure has risen, white-knuckled fists of rage gripping the steering wheel until you arrive at your destination.

Not a fun trip.

Now picture this:

2.
A couple of months later, you are driving down the highway after a long night of sitting at the hospital with a loved one in critical care. You haven’t slept, and you are nauseous with worry. Your phone rings and with a glance you see it’s the hospital calling, but in your sleepy state you drop the phone under your feet. As you reach for it, your car swerves. You don’t notice this, as you are consumed with the concern about the call might. Is your loved one ok? Off in the distance, you hear something like a honking horn, but barely take note while your mind races with all the horrid possible meanings of the phone call, and frantically trying to get your phone off the floor.

It’s understandable. Sure, maybe someone else should have drove, but that just isn’t always an option, is it?

The story looks different from the perspective of the second driver, yes?

So my point is twofold here.

In situation 1 we made snap judgements and assigned meanings in the blink of an eye. The swerving car was the input, that part cannot be changed. The assumptions and meanings we chose after the input though, have a very obvious effect on the moments that follow. We assumed the driver was doing this with some degree of intentionality or neglect, we placed a tone of arrogance. We felt slighted by their disregard for us. We assumed the worst of them. We became angry.

What if instead of these assumptions, we assumed the driver that cut us off was living situation 2?

What if we took a moment to think about what that situation must be like?

Would we feel angry?  Would it ruin our day? Or would we feel concern, perhaps gentle forgiveness? Would we instead hope the best for them in their situation? Would we let it go faster if we thought – maybe this person needs support, rather than anger?

The meanings we assign to the things that happen are powerful.

The impact of these meanings ripple out into our day in ways we don’t wholly realize at that moment. The meanings that we assign to the input from the driver do in fact have a significant impact on how we proceed. The thing is, we can always choose what the meaning is. We don’t have to know the actual details; we are filling them in any way. You can though, practice selecting the meaning.

You can also, at any time find yourself on either side of this story. Drive long enough, and you will make a foolish mistake. People will cut you off. Leading with acceptance is the right action.

structure of experience - choosing reactions to inputs meaning emotion response
The lightbulb is where we get to have an impact.

It’s not about choosing the emotion – it’s about selecting the meaning that produces the emotion that is most beneficial to you. Changing emotions is borderline impossible, a brute force attack on the mind that most of us are not equipped to fight.

This is where so much advice in this vein goes wrong. It’s those moments before the emotion arises that you have incredible power.

To capture and impact that split second before the emotion comes up – you have to have cultivated the awareness of your thoughts. See how mindfulness is a powerful tool now? By practicing being the observer of the thought, rather than being the thought, we have handed ourselves a fantastic capability.

It’s a shortcut through the loop of experience. A way to put more control in our hands. To stand up and take action.

And it’s not about changing from “negative to positive” – let’s just start with useful and not useful. 

3. Reframe.

This is where the real heavy lifting comes in. The ongoing work. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. Just because it’s tricky though, doesn’t mean you can’t do it, or it isn’t worth it.

You my stubborn brat, are more than capable!

After you have cultivated the ability to recognize thought patterns and found your reset opportunities, the reframe work comes in to play. This is a muscle that is widely and massively under-developed in most people.

But, it is beautiful in its simplicity. 
You get to choose your perspective right now – so which one best serves you? Is it perhaps the more favourable story of the driver cutting you off, instead of the one that leads to anger?

Is it perhaps, that somehow, the pain you are experiencing is a gift, and you have the opportunity to extract some beautiful experiences and understanding from what you are going through?

You have permission to try things on. Experiment. There are no wrong answers. You get to decide the meaning you are placing on things, and through this, how events in your life will impact you. Often, it is helpful to work on this muscle outside of the heated moment. This is where things like affirmations can be helpful – and no, they don’t have to be absurd or fluffy. It’s just setting your intentions.

You get to practice. You get to play.

You get to learn to dance with the pain and frustrations that we all experience – 
And you get to learn to create art out of it.

Don’t worry if it doesn’t seem easy right now. It probably won’t be. Just take some time to enjoy the possibility. 

Stay tuned for part 3, where we’ll explore some of this in more depth, and start creating an action plan!

Let me know if this was helpful and how you are going to apply in the comments below 💙

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Love as a Dialogue – An Exercise to Discover

Exploring love as an internal dialogue.

Have you ever sat and observed the things we tell ourselves about love, being loved, and giving love? What would the cadence of the conversation be for you? What is the tone of the story you tell yourself?

These are the results of a morning page exercise I did off of a love prompt. One part inspired by this fantastic post by Zen Habits on the stories we tell ourselves, another part inspired by a morning exercise by Julia Cameron.

Now, telling ourselves stories is natural — we all do it, all the time. There’s nothing wrong with it. But if we’re not aware of the stories we tell ourselves, we can’t understand how they shape our happiness, relationships, moods, and more.

Leo Babauta

What is the story I tell myself about love? I’m not still entirely sure, but there is an awareness now that I didn’t have before. I set a timer for 10 minutes, opened up my notebook and wrote as fast as I could. Here’s what came out in all its rawness (with only spelling mistakes edited).


I mean, I’m just learning to love myself. You don’t have to love me.

You don’t have to love me; I’m just as flawed as you are.
You don’t have to love me, at least not the way that I love myself.

You don’t have to love me; I don’t even love me.
You don’t have to love me, I’ve hurt people before.
You don’t have to love me; I’m pretty broken from those before you.
You don’t have to love me; I’m not a morning person.
You don’t have to love me; I’m not exactly like you are.
You don’t have to love me; I have dreams of my own.
You don’t have to love me, I think about things differently.
You don’t have to love me; I might not love you back.
You don’t have to love me; it’s easier to hate.
You don’t have to love me; I look different.
You don’t have to love me, I believe in different things.
You don’t have to love me, I’ve seen the way the story ends.
You don’t have to love me; I can do things on my own.
You don’t have to love me; I’m not needy enough to need you.
You don’t have to love me; I carry some scars.
You don’t have to love me; I’m a little broken inside.

I have to love me, it’s just me and I stuck in here.
I have to love me, just in case no one else will.
I have to love me, when I need a thrill.
I have to love me; I’m my only guaranteed company.
I have to love me; it’s better when I do.
I have to love me; I understand the best what I’ve been through.
I have to love me; it’s how I’m going to heal.
I have to love me; I know how much strength it’s taken to carry on.
I have to love me; I know what I’m worth.
I have to love me; I get me.
I have to love me; it’s where I find my strength.
I have to love me; it’s how I sleep at night.
I have to love me; I know my story too well.
I have to love me, so that I can love you.

I love you, just the way you are.
I love you; I see the way you struggle.
I love you; you carry so many burdens.
I love you, for all that you’ve been through.
I love you, even when you can’t.
I love you, because it brings me peace.
I love you, because you have a story worth telling.
I love you, and the gentle soul within.
I love you, when you think I’m not looking.
I love you, when there’s nothing else to say.
I love you, even when you hurt me.
I love you, while the anger rages on.
I love you, while you hide behind your walls.
I love you, when you are weak.
I love you, when you are strong.
I love you, for the stories that you tell.
I love you, for the stories you keep hidden.
I love you, for the fears you try to hide.
I love you, for the kindness in your eyes.
I love you, because of your flaws.
I love you, as I love me.


What was learned from the exercise?

The narrative was really fluid. At first, the sticking points and all the un-worthy thoughts flowed into the page. In this fast, free-flowing state,  it’s difficult to sit in judgment of the thoughts. There isn’t really time to observe or wonder about them; they just appear outside of the mind for a change. This is perhaps one of the main benefits of getting it out as fast as possible. When I return to examine, I can’t mutate what the thoughts originally were, they have to be taken as they really came.

After many “you don’t have to love me” statements, there was a different kind of resistance.  You don’t have to – I have to – became the prevailing thought. But why? We all know that we must love ourselves and accept who we are. We know that sometimes the act of loving ourselves feels a bit radical. Maybe it was the recent reading of Rising Strong that had the drumbeat of courage and acceptance changing the rhythm of my thoughts.

The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness. We must reclaim the truth about our lovability, divinity, and creativity.

-Brené Brown, Rising Strong

There had been a quick moment of realizing that everything was being forfeited as I was writing “you don’t have to love me” it wasn’t released, it was more of a defeat. Sure, some was letting go of the need to be loved – but surely there is more to uncover in this conversation with the self? Why don’t you need to love me?

I have to love me because it’s the only choice worth making. I felt determined.

And then, another rapid shift to externalizing. Almost like a loving-kindness meditation, projecting the thoughts outward. When I re-read it, the dichotomy between the ideas easily projected onto others, and the wish to hold those same thoughts as truths when pointed inwards fascinates me. Both the wish to hold them for myself, and realizing that I do, in fact, hold them to be inwardly true as well.

Each time I look at the results of this one, it feels as though I come to understand a little bit more about my dialogue around love. For the last few weeks, I’ve been returning to the exercise and exploring ways to amplify the dialogue I want to have with my self, by adding some positive statements as affirmations, and as part of the tools I use to manage my pain.

Want to discover your dialogue about love? – Try it for yourself

  1. Grab something you enjoy writing with and a notebook or a few sheets of paper.
  2. Take a moment to think about love. Close your eyes and pull up all the images you can about what it means to you.
  3. Set a timer for 10 minutes.
  4. Write, as fast as you can, anything and everything that comes up. Don’t pause to judge or ask questions (the questions are for later)
  5. When the timer is done, take a few minutes to pat yourself on the back.

It’s not easy at first, examining the stories we tell ourselves. Take a moment to congratulate yourself for having even attempted.

Now explore what you see on the page. Try not to hold judgments – just observe openly and wholeheartedly. See what is really there.

What is the story you tell yourself about love?

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